Long time, no see!

I hope everyone made it through Irene okay! We only got a bit of wind and rain in Milford, NH. Didn't even lose power. My thoughts are with everyone who was affected. I actually made up a couple decent sized bags for donations. I'm hoping to find a place to bring them tomorrow. 

Jackie starts first grade tomorrow. I am finally able to get Xander to nap in the afternoons now. He never took naps before! I might actually get a chance to come on here more frequently and start my work out regimen once more.

I can't believe how bad I've been with food & drink lately. Not only am I eating crap and not paying attention to portions or the frequency anymore, I also picked up the soda habit. Joy. I am hoping to cut out all soda again by the end of September. I am doing it slowly so I don't get the horrible caffeine withdrawal migraines that come with it. Anyway, what I mean by not paying attention to how much or how often I eat, is that I only eat once a day. No breakfast, no lunch. Just dinner. Ergh... I am dreading the scale.

Tomorrow, I am making sure I only have one soda & drink more water. I am also going to go for a walk after Jackie gets on her bus at 8am, if weather permits. If not, Nordic Track. I need to get back into things!

RIP Rita Lacourse 1/25/23 - 8/11/11

I have neglected to work out or eat right or put any energy into losing weight lately.

The last month doesn't even feel real. My grandmother just passed away. She spent 2 weeks in hospice & I drove down from NH to RI as often as possible to spend time with her. She died of MRSA that she contracted from a surgery she had when she broke her hip.

She was like my mother. This is so hard for me, for my whole family. She died on Thursday, August 11th at 10:05pm, and I was the only one in the room with her when it happened. My aunts and grandfather were in the hallway talking to a nurse when she passed. I just had this overwhelming feeling & could smell her perfume (as strange as that may sound, considering she hasn't worn any since April when she fell) and felt like I NEEDED to be in the room with her. I watched her take her final breath. At least she wasn't alone.

The funeral was on Monday. I wrote & read the eulogy. That's right, the girl with intense social anxiety got up in front of 90 people+ and read the eulogy. I know that she gave me the strength to do it, I hate being in front of people & I hate public speaking. I did it for her though. I think I did her justice, too.

I feel so empty. I cannot believe any of this is real. I keep hoping I am dreaming, even though I know I'm not. Here is the eulogy:

"Today we say goodbye to a wonderful woman, my grandma Rita. She was an amazing & loving wife, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. She spent 64 of her 88 years with my grandfather. Together they had 3 children, 4 grandchildren, and 5 great grandchildren. We are all deeply affected by her parting and will miss her more than words could adequately describe.

My grandfather and I were talking a few weeks back about her. We sat outside and he told me how they met, fell in love, and how no other woman could have made him happier. He said that every moment spent with her was a good one just because they were together. All of this was said with a smile on his face. I have never seen two people so in love as they were with each other. So devoted.

My grandmother stayed true to her vows and took care of my grandfather in sickness & in health, without fail. She was his primary care giver, she always made sure he took his pills, made it to his appointments and had everything he needed already waiting for him in the morning. In fact, so much of her energy was spent caring for him that I don’t know how she had any energy left for herself. She truly was amazing.

This is a great loss not only for her family, but for everyone who knew her. She always was thinking of others, even complete strangers. She took pride in being part of the prayer line, and in writing cards to the sick and their families. She loved going to church, meeting people and making friends. She was always there to listen when someone needed her. I can guarantee that at one point or another she prayed for everyone in this room just because that's the kind of person she was. Her family & her faith were her main focuses in life.

She was so kind, in fact, that most people upon meeting her and my grandfather would remark on how sweet and loving they were, how they were truly an inspiration. Her kindness & sweetness knew no bounds and people picked up on it instantly. Every one of my friends told me they wished their grandparents were as loving and wonderful as mine.

She was exceedingly kind and offered her help whenever able to those who needed it. She opened her up home up to me when I was 9 and made me feel like i belonged there. She helped raise me as if I were her own child. I can honestly say that there was no way anyone could have been a better, more patient & loving motherly figure for me when I needed one the most. To her other grandchildren, she was known as Memere. To me, she was called Grandma. In my heart, she felt like she was my own mother.

I will never forget the many afternoons we spent playing cards and laughing together. We would laugh so hard our eyes would tear up. Her laugh was infectious. I tried to do whatever I could to take her mind off of things so she could giggle with me. I will miss those smiley afternoons with her the most.

One conversation that we had will forever be etched in my memory. She told me about faith, and how it's all around us. She said to be open to the possibility of miracles because if you aren't willing to let the good in, you'll only experience the bad. She was a miracle. Her life, through her actions and her demeanor, was a miracle & it was also her gift for all of us.

I am not going to pretend that things were always perfect between us, because that would be a lie. I was not the easiest person to get along with but she always made an effort to bring the best out of me. I just never saw it until recently. I am glad she forgave me and that we made our peace. If there is one thing she taught me, it's to never take things or people for granted & to be open to love and to forgiveness.

One thing that was always concern for my grandmother is the thought of her family drifting once she passed. She had told me recently how badly she wanted people to put their grudges aside and let the past be the past. She wanted to make sure that our family stayed a family without her there to keep us together. I think we should all try and honor her final wish.

I am so scared to live in a world without her in it, but I know in my heart that she will never leave me & she will always look after me, look after all of us. Death may have ended her life, but it will never end the relationships we all had with her.

To my lovely little grandma, I love you & I will miss you always. May angels lead you in. Rest in peace."

Anyway, not that it matters, but I've lost around 15 pounds in the last few weeks. Without even trying. Grief & stress & Zoloft are my guesses. I'd gain it all back and then some if it meant she could be with me, though.

Stuck.

I am eating better. I have definitely gotten into some healthier habits.

As for exercising.... I suck. I can't get motivated to do anything. I have no idea why. Anyone else feel like this? What do you do to snap yourself out of it? I am so happy & fulfilled by everything in my life at the moment that I don't feel the need to work out anymore. Before, it was a form of therapy for me. Now, I'm happier and I just don't feel like I need to do it even though I really do.

I have no idea if I am making any sense.

What's new...?

I have started a new diet. Giving low carb a shot. My goal is to keep my calorie intake below 1500 & my carbs 60 or under for the day. Today was Day 1. I have my weight from yesterday logged in my notebook. We'll check the difference in another week or so.

Today I went out and stocked up on notebooks. My old one was completely filled up. The first half of the notebook will be a food diary where I will also be tracking calories & carbs, and also filling it with recipes I happen to find that are healthy. The second half will be my workout log where I detail the type of workout and the calories burned. I am going to be shooting for 1000 calories burned a day.

I am looking into more alternatives for dinner, since we pretty much lived off of pasta for the last few years. I have no idea what to make that doesn't involve too much bread or pasta. Grr. I wish I were a better cook!

Next week, I'm kicking my own butt into gear because this week was a poor excuse for someone who is supposed to be on a diet and exercise plan.

I have been eating less & less with the Zoloft, it's ridiculous how little I want to eat these days! I have been craving soda though, which is no good. I gave in once & bought a 20 ounce & poured myself a small glass, maybe 6 ounces. The rest was given to Andrew.

Busy, busy, busy.

I really need to start making more time for this blog, I've been slacking big time.

The kids had a sleepover last night with 2 other kids. What a handful. I seriously don't know how some people have 4 kids. Takes a special person, I think. haha.

So, what's new with me? I've been kind of slacking with exercise, but doing much better with eating right. I can tell that the Zoloft is having an effect on my appetite. I'm not hungry as much, and when I do eat, I just pick at my food instead of scarfing it down. I'm not noticing much else from the Zoloft except for trouble sleeping. The first night of perfect, peaceful sleep was a fluke. I have yet to have a decent night's sleep since. Instead of taking the pill before bed, I'm taking it first thing in the a.m. from now on. I hope that helps. I miss sleeping! That is why I haven't been exercising as much - no energy! I have been good about using the bike every day and going 2 miles minimum a day on the NT, but I haven't touched my dvd's or weights since Friday.

I would also like to add that I found my Nordic Track log from May and DAMN! I walked 75 miles in less than 2 weeks! In one month, I walked 120 miles just on that machine. I miss doing that! I was slimming down so much.

How is it I can be so pumped to do something for 2 full months and suddenly just lose interest in the 3rd month? Seeing those pictures of myself really messed with my head & made me think, "what's the point?" I need to figure out a way to snap myself back into a good routine.

What an amazing day!

Anyone who has been reading my blog knows that I am in counseling for my panic disorder & depression. On Tuesday I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist. He gave me prescriptions for Zoloft & Ambien. Zoloft will help treat the depression & social anxiety issues & Ambien is a sleeping pill. I only filled the script for Zoloft, because -DAMN!- meds are expensive without insurance.

I am not too thrilled to be taking a pill every day in hopes that it will make me feel better, but I am desperate to try anything. I have only a few months until Xander's birthday, then Christmas & Jackie's birthday. I really want to get a job so I can spoil these kids. I honestly feel that if there is a chance Zoloft will help, I'm going to take it.

Anyway, I started the Zoloft yesterday. I followed the instructions on the bottle instead of the instructions the doctor had written on a paper for me to bring home. I was supposed to take 25 mgs for the first few doses, and increase it over 2 weeks, until I got up to 100 mgs, apparently. I ended up taking the full 100 mgs yesterday. I was so tired! It literally knocked me out. I was in bed by 11 and woke up at 5:30 today, feeling very rested & better than I have in a while. I guess all I needed was a good nights sleep!

So, as I said, I woke up at 5:30 this morning & I felt like I could take on the world. I used my Yoga DVD & while it was more challenging than I thought it would be, I loved it! I think I might want to start doing Yoga on a regular basis. I picked up a bunch of DVD's from the library yesterday, and most of them were Yoga related. I am going to pick my 2 favorites and purchase them.

After using that DVD, I used one of my Jillian Michaels DVD's. It's now my favorite, I like it even more than 30DS! 30DS is a great workout, but I got bored with it. I am glad that I now have 15 fitness DVD's to choose from! Plus an additional 7 from the library at the moment.

So, after all that, I decided to use the recumbent bike for a while. I burned 400 calories. It took a bit longer than usual because I had to keep my pace slow so I wouldn't wake anyone else up. The bike is a bit loud.

I spent the rest of the morning with the kids, just lounging around. I popped in a new movie my father got the kids and decided to use the Nordic Track for a bit. In 45 minutes, I burned 850 calories! I am no longer counting miles, but calories instead. I don't know how much I burn from my DVD's, so I am hoping to burn at least 1000 calories a day split between the 2 machines.

I've been much better about working out, let's hope the trend continues. I really loved waking up early & getting most of the exercise done before anyone was awake! It was so much more relaxing than trying to work out with the kids running around.

I am a bit worried about weight gain with Zoloft. When I was a teenager & I took it, I lost a lot of weight. I am reading up on the drug & it appears that while it is not "known" to cause weight gain, it can happen. Oh boy. I guess if I am happier, that's all that matters. I really believe that if the Zoloft can stabilize my mood & allow me to function a bit more normally in social situations, that I will lose weight. I will be able to have a job, and feel better about myself all around. We'll see though. If anyone has any experience with Zoloft, I would love to hear what it did for you!

Long time, no post.

I am sorry that I haven't been on here as much lately. Life has caught up with me, and we have about a million things going on at once over here. On top of the hectic home life, I keep injuring my back and my knee doing stupid stuff, all of it from horsing around with Andrew or the kids.
I've been taking it easy. Taking it easy for me still includes doing hundreds of crunches & pushups, and walking 15+ miles, and doing 80 miles on the stationary bike since the 3rd, when we picked it up.
Today, I had a weigh in I wasn't expecting at the doctor's office. No loss, but no gain.
Considering how much I've had to cut back on the fruits & veggies, and the injuries which are preventing serious workouts from happening, I'm happy that I've stayed where I was.
I've splurged. More than I should have. If I would have stayed in line with my diet, I am sure I would have had a loss of 2 or 3 pounds. Oh well.

I am starting things up slowly this week. I rented 3 different yoga dvd's and I will only be doing that which I am capable of. I forgot to mention that I gave those Zumba dvd's another try and I really liked them this time! I just renewed them, so they are mine for another 2 weeks at least. If I can make it through this week without injury, I will go back to some of my old fall back favorites by Jillian Michaels & the Crunch DVD's.

I will start updating more regularly next week. I hope everyone is well!

My kneeee.

I ended up doing a few miles on the bike on the 5th, and doing 22 yesterday. I also did levels 2 and 3 of the 30 day shred & 5 miles on the nordic track. I was all set to get back into my exercise routine with a vengeance, until today.... Thanks to a stupid accident in the pool when Andrew & I were playing around, I screwed my knee up.

I am wondering how I can get decent exercise in while my knee is recovering. I can't put too much pressure on it, but I can walk if it's necessary. Any ideas?

Oops.

I have been so busy lately that I haven't had time for the internet at all until tonight. I didn't feel much like writing because I am a bit depressed. This weekend we went to a family reunion in Westport, MA, and Andrew took some pictures. I didn't mind because I had lost so much weight & inches. Upon reviewing the pictures, I cried for a solid hour. How can I still be so huge after making so much progress? I haven't had the time or chance to exercise since Friday, either. I behaved & followed my workout plan perfectly last week & all the goals were met, but I still look like shit.

I am taking a little break from blogging until I have regained some self confidence. I need to really step up my game if I want to see more dramatic results... I'm starting tomorrow. Maybe in a week I can come back on here & feel a bit better about myself.

One good thing: I got my stationary bike from Rhode Island. I finally brought it up here on Sunday night. I'm kind of excited. My goal is to start doing a 7 miles a day on that and 5 miles a day on the Nordic Track. We'll see how that works out.

My Workout Wishlist.

Balance ball
I have a few workout dvd's that suggest using these and I am dying to get one. Any suggestions for a good one to look into?


Jillian Michaels: Yoga Metldown
I love this DVD! I am tired of borrowing it from the library, haha. I need other yoga dvds! Preferably for beginners.

Yoga Mat
I picked this one randomly. I have hardwood floors. I NEED a mat! Suggest something better?

Jillian Michaels: No More Trouble Zones
This is one of my favorites, and I need it in my collection! I have had this out from the library for over a month now.


Bob Harper: Kettlebell Cardio Shred
Interested in kettlebell... this dvd sounded like the best one

Kettlebell
I don't know which kettlbell to look into. Is this one any good?

The Biggest loser Fitness Program
I LOVE this book. Words cannot express how awesome it is.

Master Your Metabolism Cookbook
Another book I am tired of borrowing from the library.

Master Your Metabolism
This book changed my life. No lie! If you haven't read it, go. NOW!

It's really funny when you look at this list because the dvd's are all from trainers who were on The Biggest Loser, same with the books. I have never seen that show once. I stumbled across Jillian Michaels thanks to my dad of all people. He had the 30 Day Shred DVD lying around and I liked it so much that it got me back into exercising. Anyone have any other suggestions?

I really want a good heart rate monitor that also is a calorie counter. So few of them are rated well, though. Any thoughts?