I have neglected to work out or eat right or put any energy into losing weight lately.
The last month doesn't even feel real. My grandmother just passed away. She spent 2 weeks in hospice & I drove down from NH to RI as often as possible to spend time with her. She died of MRSA that she contracted from a surgery she had when she broke her hip.
She was like my mother. This is so hard for me, for my whole family. She died on Thursday, August 11th at 10:05pm, and I was the only one in the room with her when it happened. My aunts and grandfather were in the hallway talking to a nurse when she passed. I just had this overwhelming feeling & could smell her perfume (as strange as that may sound, considering she hasn't worn any since April when she fell) and felt like I NEEDED to be in the room with her. I watched her take her final breath. At least she wasn't alone.
The funeral was on Monday. I wrote & read the eulogy. That's right, the girl with intense social anxiety got up in front of 90 people+ and read the eulogy. I know that she gave me the strength to do it, I hate being in front of people & I hate public speaking. I did it for her though. I think I did her justice, too.
I feel so empty. I cannot believe any of this is real. I keep hoping I am dreaming, even though I know I'm not. Here is the eulogy:
"Today we say goodbye to a wonderful woman, my grandma Rita. She was an amazing & loving wife, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. She spent 64 of her 88 years with my grandfather. Together they had 3 children, 4 grandchildren, and 5 great grandchildren. We are all deeply affected by her parting and will miss her more than words could adequately describe.
My grandfather and I were talking a few weeks back about her. We sat outside and he told me how they met, fell in love, and how no other woman could have made him happier. He said that every moment spent with her was a good one just because they were together. All of this was said with a smile on his face. I have never seen two people so in love as they were with each other. So devoted.
My grandmother stayed true to her vows and took care of my grandfather in sickness & in health, without fail. She was his primary care giver, she always made sure he took his pills, made it to his appointments and had everything he needed already waiting for him in the morning. In fact, so much of her energy was spent caring for him that I don’t know how she had any energy left for herself. She truly was amazing.
This is a great loss not only for her family, but for everyone who knew her. She always was thinking of others, even complete strangers. She took pride in being part of the prayer line, and in writing cards to the sick and their families. She loved going to church, meeting people and making friends. She was always there to listen when someone needed her. I can guarantee that at one point or another she prayed for everyone in this room just because that's the kind of person she was. Her family & her faith were her main focuses in life.
She was so kind, in fact, that most people upon meeting her and my grandfather would remark on how sweet and loving they were, how they were truly an inspiration. Her kindness & sweetness knew no bounds and people picked up on it instantly. Every one of my friends told me they wished their grandparents were as loving and wonderful as mine.
She was exceedingly kind and offered her help whenever able to those who needed it. She opened her up home up to me when I was 9 and made me feel like i belonged there. She helped raise me as if I were her own child. I can honestly say that there was no way anyone could have been a better, more patient & loving motherly figure for me when I needed one the most. To her other grandchildren, she was known as Memere. To me, she was called Grandma. In my heart, she felt like she was my own mother.
I will never forget the many afternoons we spent playing cards and laughing together. We would laugh so hard our eyes would tear up. Her laugh was infectious. I tried to do whatever I could to take her mind off of things so she could giggle with me. I will miss those smiley afternoons with her the most.
One conversation that we had will forever be etched in my memory. She told me about faith, and how it's all around us. She said to be open to the possibility of miracles because if you aren't willing to let the good in, you'll only experience the bad. She was a miracle. Her life, through her actions and her demeanor, was a miracle & it was also her gift for all of us.
I am not going to pretend that things were always perfect between us, because that would be a lie. I was not the easiest person to get along with but she always made an effort to bring the best out of me. I just never saw it until recently. I am glad she forgave me and that we made our peace. If there is one thing she taught me, it's to never take things or people for granted & to be open to love and to forgiveness.
One thing that was always concern for my grandmother is the thought of her family drifting once she passed. She had told me recently how badly she wanted people to put their grudges aside and let the past be the past. She wanted to make sure that our family stayed a family without her there to keep us together. I think we should all try and honor her final wish.
I am so scared to live in a world without her in it, but I know in my heart that she will never leave me & she will always look after me, look after all of us. Death may have ended her life, but it will never end the relationships we all had with her.
To my lovely little grandma, I love you & I will miss you always. May angels lead you in. Rest in peace."
Anyway, not that it matters, but I've lost around 15 pounds in the last few weeks. Without even trying. Grief & stress & Zoloft are my guesses. I'd gain it all back and then some if it meant she could be with me, though.
