Ugh.

I am not sure what it is that is making me feel like such crap, but I have been in an awful mood ever since Sunday. I hurt my back and haven't been working out as much as I wanted to this week. Money has been tight because we overdid it on Father's Day, so now we can't get my weekly fruits & veggies. I'm just depressed, what's the point in exercising if I can't eat right?

I'm depressed because I should be working. I feel so useless. It's not right that Andrew works so much and I stay home and go to the pool and play with the kids. I am not contributing. I know I help by watching the kids but... I hate feeling this way. I want to get my head straight so I can get a job, and I know that part of what will help is me losing weight. But I just ... lost the motivation. I don't know where this slump came from, but I hate it. Things are great between Andrew and I, probably the best they have ever been. We are so happy lately, it's crazy. Maybe the guilt is coming from there? I have no idea. I just wish I got to spend more time with him, wish his kids knew him better... I wish I could have given him a real gift for Father's Day instead of just making a collage of pictures of our children....

Money is so tight I had to reschedule my therapy today for next Wednesday. I drove there and rescheduled in person & explained the situation. Totally embarrassing. I am not happy because I was really looking forward to this appointment, I felt like we were right on the verge of something big. I'm so disappointed I need to wait another week.... On top of that, I lost the list of questions and my answers that I spent 3 hours typing up. Because I share this computer, I didn't save the list. I suck, I suck. I suck.

Don't even get me started on the credit card fiasco I had to deal with today.....

I want to eat nothing but garbage. I went shopping today and picked up a pizza, french fries, cookies, and crackers. I haven't picked up stuff like this in ages. I actually am eating one of the cookies right now with chocolate milk. I suck, I suck, I suck.

I wish I wasn't such a mess. I wish I could start what I finish. I wish I was someone else. Fuck looking like garbage, fuck losing 1 or 2 pounds a week after HOURS of effort, and FUCK THIS DEPRESSION.

I am sorry for the language, I am just a mess right now. Over what? Who freaking knows. What happened to the most motivated girl ever with the bright outlook? Lost and gone? Hopefully not forever.

Whatever.